Exhaustion

It has been a rough week. When Nate left on Thursday, September 30, I knew it was going to be a rough trip. Fynn had only been in daycare for three weeks, I was still getting used to the schedule, and I’m still not physically at 100%. I knew I would struggle…and I did. Luckily, my son is a total sweetheart, and he is really easy on me. I believe that every aspect of my life was out of balance this week. My mom is having some health problems, I’m still having health problems, work is getting really busy, and my class has hit a low point. That doesn’t include the fights that erupt when Nate is out of town.

Of course, the fights are caused by the pure exhaustion that we are both feeling. He doesn’t think I understand. I don’t think he understands. Then we hit the impasse. I’m not sure if my “readers” know this about Nate and me, but we are very stubborn. I’m pretty convinced that I’m always right, and Nate “knows” he’s always right. The only thing that I have in my back pocket is that I’m a woman, so I’ve got “bitch” pretty much cornered in the house. Now don’t get all hot and bothered, women. You know exactly what I mean.

I hate being out of balance. It’s a crappy feeling. No one likes having their life pretty much upside down. I also think that this week was indicative of how overwhelmed I am. Between medical bills, credit card bills, daycare, and trying to save for a down payment on a house (that we are eventually going to have…maybe in 20 years), I’m exhausted. Like many women, I take care of the finances in the house. It’s stressful. I have to figure out how the bills are paid, when the bills are paid, and how we’re going to save for the future. I’m not sure why women always get stuck with this job. Nate once told me it’s because he’s the CEO and I’m the CFO. Well, I think I want to be the CEO for a while because it sounds like the CEO just gets to spend money and complain about why we don’t have it. Sounds about right…isn’t that what happens in corporations, as well?

Some things are good about being at home by myself (or with a toddler…who doesn’t speak). I get to read, watch whatever television I want, and think. Although that last one can get me in trouble. Sometimes I think too much. I think about everything that’s wrong with life. Don’t get me wrong; I live a pretty nice life. The problem is that I’m a perfectionist, so I can always think of things that I’m doing wrong. Parts of my life where I’m not living up to my potential. Problems in my relationships. I thought moms were supposed to be too tired to think about how badly they are doing in life.
Hey, moms out there. Why is it that men have no concept as to how tired watching a baby can make a person? I hear a lot of, “I’m sorry, Baby. That sucks.” “I’m sorry you’re tired.” “Just go to bed and don’t worry about the dishes.” As if I can just go to bed and leave food rotting on Fynn’s high chair tray. That is what scares me about leaving the boy at home alone with his daddy. What if he gets Botchulism? Or Leprosy…does anyone remember that Simpsons episode?

Luckily I have a lot of good friends who help me out while Nate’s away. It’s nice to know that you guys are out there.